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Osaka: Aquarium Kaiyukan

OSAKA AQUARIUM KAIYUKAN

Location: Walking distance from Osakako station

Cost: ¥2,000 - or dinner for 72 African families

Ahh, Osaka. Big city. Hot chicks. Sea breeze (or could that be the local specialty, takoyaki, squid balls). Many things to do, but what? Well, it could happen - and I'm speaking hypothetically here, people, but it could happen, that Osaka Aquarium Kaiyukan is somewhere on your list.

Now, if you've just arrived in Japan, then this shouldn't be anywhere near the top of it by default. You're in the land of bukkake and bondage, brother, of samurai and kamikaze, banzai and bonzai, sushi and oishii... Well, you catch my drift. You can visit an aquarium back home.

If, however, like me, you have been in Japan for a while and you've seen so many dead fish that you're wondering if the entire species still exist, it might, somehow, somewhere, sometime occur that you feel like visiting the Osaka Aquarium Kaiyukan. Don't, for I have done it for you, and in hindsight I wonder why. But let's get to it.

Basically, it's a big tank and a couple of smaller tanks, with some fish in it. Real shocker, there. The highlights are a whale shark, couple of manta rays, and the Japanese spider crab. Imagine all that - the gigantic whale shark, rhyncodon typus, up to 12 meters long, slowly parading through his tank, of which he is the undisputed master. The majestic manta ray slices through the water as a knife through butter. Among the rocks skitter the spider crabs - bigger and deadlier than any seen before.

Ho! Back to reality. You're in Japan, Osaka to be more precise, and you're staring at the Kaiyukan's main tank. Well, you're trying to - you decided to go on a saturday, and the place now counts more children than fish. Anyway. The whale shark floats by - he looks a bit wimpy, at one-third his maximum size. Over there by the window is one of two manta rays. As the teenagers nearby giggle 'Oishisou!!!' (looks delicious!), you realise you're looking at the rejects of the sea, and that manta sure does look retarded, since it's stuck in loop mode. There's a bunch of other nondescript fish in this tank, but aside from them and a lot of water, pretty much nothing else. Oh, there's a diver repairing some cables. Good stuff.

Wrestling your way through the countless children - and anyone who's been to Japan knows how hard it is to fight your way through them domestic tourists, you pass some penguins and otters vieing for your attention, and finally arrive at the spider crab tank. Lo! That's exactly what it is, alright. It's like someone went to the store that morning, bought a big bucket of spider crabs, and just tossed it in a pool, bucket and all. Exit time.

I haven't been to many aquariums. I guess ¥2,000 isn't too much, and the entire thing is airconditioned, so in summer, it beats being outside. Still, I don't see how there are so many positive reviews about this place. The fish are dull and generic, the tanks even moreso, and the entire experience is like sardines in a tin can. Which is funny really, 'cause there's these real sardines and... yeah, nevermind.

Here's what you can do, though. Upon leaving the Kaiyukan, head to the nearest fish restaurant. Try to order as many species off the list that you just ooh-and-aah'd at. I got 4. Beat my score.

Case for: No vegetarians (+4)
Case against: Live Discovery Channel (-2)
Crowds of Japanese children (-8)

Final score: -6
It's like shooting fish in a barrel. I mean, if you bring a gun. And start shooting it.

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posted by Mab at 00:35, ,